Abramelin, day 192

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

More purification issues but I think I finally nailed it.

Been spending my time trying to focus on what inspires me. no matter how crazy. Screw it.

Kitties remain healthy and cute. Job sitch, I expect to probably be out of a job by around end of Oct. They’re even bringing someone in for a few months and mentioned him working on my project.  My only desires for this job right now are a) as many paychecks as possible b) a very good recommendation from my boss and for him to continue to be happy with me and c) apt timing for its ending so that I can do the week long invocations to end the Abramelin.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 190

Morning and noon rites went well.

Today my cat went in for glucose testing, with great news: she is no longer diabetic. Thank the gods. I still have to dose her food with antibiotics and the potassium supplement and she still has to stay on the special food, but no more shots. This is WONDERFUL.

Got a combination energy healing and massage. Kept getting told how “great” my energy was, finally got asked if I do energy work. Yes, I definitely do. :)

Went to my first coven event in ages, really missed everyone. Both this ritual and the next one I’ll be attending are appropriately themed to the Abramelin at this stage and that’s all I’m going to say, and the only people who will get that are the initiates in my coven and others. Anyhoo.

I guess the next stresses on my list will be bouncing between two vastly different jobs while wondering when the main one will end and continuing this operation.

Whee.

I have a MASSIVE headache due to muscle strain in my neck and shoulders. Massive.

And now that I can finally sleep in in the morning I totally will.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 189

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

Lots and lots and lots and lots of purification work needed. Lots. Today was a difficult day on many levels. I need both macrocosmic and microcosmic banishing right now. I’m ready to rip out pages of my old GD background and go right to it.

I must be getting close. I wonder if the end date is being decided upon for my job and all that.

Evening rite went well, but I nearly fell asleep beforehand. I am WIPED.

Abramelin, day 185

Morning rite and noon prayer rites went well.

Today I am battling all sorts of drama that’s causing anger flare-ups. I am wondering if this is a misdirection; that I am potentially irritated/angry/frustrated at something else and taking it out on lesser outlets because it’s easier, or if something is incredibly and painfully off with me right now. I did wake up exhausted, I have been quite drained lately. Most of it is probably hormonal (yay monthly) and some of it is probably just everything I’ve been going through in all aspects of my life right now. Interestingly I feel LESS stressed than I have been but it may be that I just pushed it off to my subconscious where it’s doing me no favors.

Looks like I’ll be working that part time job in Salem provided they’re okay with me only working until 7pm because of my kitty. I can’t wait until she no longer needs those shots. :( I am looking at absolutely no days off for a while, second weekend of Nov to be precise. But I badly need the money, it’s something I’m awesome at, and enjoy. I had fun last year. However…maybe if I’m lucky my day job will let me go soon so I can collect unemployment and get some time off.

Took a purification bath. I know now why these things are necessary. I could write a whole essay on it and speaking as someone who is a devotee and priestess of a deity of purification I really ought to fucking do so.

Site went down tonight for long enough to remind me to back this shit up.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 157

Woke up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. “Heard” one of my kitties crying, then about 15 minutes later she was scratching at my door and mewing like crazy. Went outside, cuddled her and my other kitty, went back to bed, still couldn’t get to sleep until maybe 6am. By the time I finally did, I wound up dreaming of waking up the next day, being far too tired for my own good, and getting into the car and suddenly I was full blown, wide open: I could equally see the astral plane/psychic realm just as clearly as the physical world, both at once. And I knew that driving like that would not be a good thing.

Woke up later than normal time, morning rite went as well as expected. The drive to work was not quite as intense as the dream predicted but note to self, sleep is important. I couldn’t help it but today was full blown, sleep depped madness.

Noon prayer rite went well, walk after.

Went to the movies and dinner tonight by myself, got back home. Still sleep depped madness.

Gods help me.

It hit me that my problem is not that I need to become more psychic; I’m more than psychic enough. The key is being open to what’s already there. Once that wall is blown wide open and I can open and close it more readily by will alone, things will get more interesting.

Evening rite went well. Goodnight Night Vale, goodnight.

Abramelin, day 149

Morning rite went well.

Due to life circumstances, noon was a prayer rite in the car but done nonetheless.

I have realized that I am on autopilot. I have truly been reset to the way I was prior to what I refer to as The Incident, before 2007, and I don’t know how to properly integrate it with everything that’s happened since. I babble in social settings, at work, I can’t shut the fuck up. Am I overcompensating? Am I donning the “this is my public space, I swear I haven’t checked out due to Abramelin”? I don’t know. It’s almost like I’m manic.

Attended a ritual in honor of Diana, received a most intriguing oracle, could not come back to earth or ground after that ritual. It was intense, very intense.

Evening rite went well. I have a lot to chew on about what happened during that rite and other things, crashed for about 8-9 hours of sleep that night.

Abramelin, day 138

Morning rite went well. I did not sleep very well, I woke up around dawn and didn’t get to go back to sleep.

The issue I raised in my previous entry has been resolved. I decided to go public and just be honest about what happened and why I chose to abandon the group. I need to start listening to my gut instinct about people and stop with the “benefit of the doubt” nonsense and questioning my feelings over and over again with the idea that I must somehow be wrong about people and that I’m condemning them with no proof. I don’t have to blacklist people I feel that way about but I really need to be more careful in the future. I try to hard to see the best in people and be openminded and sometimes it comes to bite me in the butt. I am truly an idealistic pessimist. I did not want to see this person as ugly as they are, but…there you have it.

No one can say I didn’t try.

Noon prayer rite went well, did my usual walk. I needed to get out and be alone for a bit, think about everything and whether or not I approached things the right way, and what to do for the next time. Honestly, my only takeaway from all of this is to trust myself more on my instincts about people. I try and fail to recall any time I’ve been wrong in that regard.

I’ve decided to stop stressing about the end date. If I’m ready by September, I am. If I’m not ready until Nov, Jan, March, whatever, I don’t care. It’s about the journey and I need to focus on that. If I’m meant to take a week off at some date I’m sure I’ll get some sort of notification or instinct to do so in advance so I can take it off from work.

I feel so much better now in so many respects. My conscience is clear on the drama issue and I feel a lot better about when this rite will be completed. I don’t want to feel rushed nor do I want to drag my heels. It’s about the process. I’ll be done baking when I’m done baking.

Evening rite went well. I am filled with immense gratitude at how different things are now versus before I started this rite in ways I can’t even begin to get into. I will be fine. Everything will be fine.

 

Abramelin, day 136

Morning rite went well, but getting up was a struggle. I am exhausted. I suspect it’s due to much needed water. Downed some and was doing better.

Noon rite went well. Did it after my shower and purification bath.

The family drama is intensifying, and I’m resisting any and all attempts to drag me in. It’s VERY concerning, end of life issues for my last remaining grandparent and its impact on everyone else and all of the related problems. By the gods, I have enough going on as is. I am worried about my mom and my grandma–deeply worried–but there is literally nothing I can do but pray and send Reiki. Literally.

I very much want to dive deeply into the world and all its magic, and I have no idea how to do that with what I have at present in my life.

I lament to my gods that I didn’t win the lottery in lieu of a full time job. I very much like the people I am working with and it takes the pressure off of me as far as finances go, but I am so worried on its impact on the operation, especially in regards to needing to know a month in advance when the end of this operation will be so I can take that week off.

Stress. Stress. More stress. I need to continue marinating in lavender.

Evening rite went okay, but noticed I still have more work to do. A lot more.

Abramelin, day 134

Morning rite went well, and afterwards I was up for the day. It got me to work earlier, so I got to leave earlier. Even better!

Noon prayer rite went well also.

I have a lot on my mind. The audiobook, a movie I saw recently…there’s some very interesting synchronicity going on, and I have a lot to ponder in regards to magic and manifestation.

Tonight I wound up doing for the second time a tarot-less reading. Apparently a prayer to Apollo was all that was needed, an intense burst of energy shot down onto the top of my head, straight through my body…shit was intense, I’m still high. It went on from there. If I had been wondering how the Abramelin has been affecting my psychic ability, I guess I don’t need to wonder or worry too much anymore.

Evening rite went well. Holy hell, I am still incredibly high and a bit dizzy.

Abramelin, day 131

Morning rite went well, and I was entirely too glad to do it. I have some water I’ve blessed in honor of Apollo sitting on his altar in there, and it comes in handy, it really does. More really screwed up dreams, really screwed up. Purification is a must. It has to be a constant at this point. Purification and potentially banishing.

Noon prayer rite went well, and my walk after did me good. I must remember to put my energies where they will best help me and others versus giving it to leeches, psychic vampires, parasites, and the unbalanced. I also must remember that I’m on a quest not to shut the world out but to let it in, because it’s the only way I’m going to achieve true manifestation.

More family drama, some of it spilling over me but I’m still in the calm of the storm.

I am learning that obstacles and the downers are reminders; even they can push you forward and remind you of what you’re up against and why. It’s beyond freeing to realize this. I keep on going.

Evening rite went well.