Abramelin, day 212

Morning rite and noon prayer rite went well.

Another day in Salem. Went well although nowhere near as busy as yesterday. Yesterday was nuts.

Very, very aware of how much that needs to get done this week. Glad I have some time set aside to relax, go out to eat, get a massage, etc. I need the downtime. Also, need some kitty cuddle time.

I’m spending so much time in altered states that being in the rest of world is starting to get weird.

Once again finding myself in a position of having to stick to my ethical principles even if it means bowing out of a group. A shame but so it goes. I keep finding more and more issues with the Hellenic polytheist community; there are a number of good people in it but too many assuming roles of leadership who really have no business doing so. More and more I am realizing I will need to strike it out on my own, maintain friendships but ultimately do my own thing. I don’t know if I reacted the right way about it online; I got a bit fired up about it. But it’s an issue which has come up before and has shades of the whole “x deity told/commanded me to tell you all xyz” which I find incredibly distasteful.

I also got to finally communicate how I feel about a difficult issue with someone, which makes me incredibly relieved.

Evcening rite went well. I need to spend more time in meditation and offline in general.

 

Abramelin, day 149

Morning rite went well.

Due to life circumstances, noon was a prayer rite in the car but done nonetheless.

I have realized that I am on autopilot. I have truly been reset to the way I was prior to what I refer to as The Incident, before 2007, and I don’t know how to properly integrate it with everything that’s happened since. I babble in social settings, at work, I can’t shut the fuck up. Am I overcompensating? Am I donning the “this is my public space, I swear I haven’t checked out due to Abramelin”? I don’t know. It’s almost like I’m manic.

Attended a ritual in honor of Diana, received a most intriguing oracle, could not come back to earth or ground after that ritual. It was intense, very intense.

Evening rite went well. I have a lot to chew on about what happened during that rite and other things, crashed for about 8-9 hours of sleep that night.

Abramelin, day 138

Morning rite went well. I did not sleep very well, I woke up around dawn and didn’t get to go back to sleep.

The issue I raised in my previous entry has been resolved. I decided to go public and just be honest about what happened and why I chose to abandon the group. I need to start listening to my gut instinct about people and stop with the “benefit of the doubt” nonsense and questioning my feelings over and over again with the idea that I must somehow be wrong about people and that I’m condemning them with no proof. I don’t have to blacklist people I feel that way about but I really need to be more careful in the future. I try to hard to see the best in people and be openminded and sometimes it comes to bite me in the butt. I am truly an idealistic pessimist. I did not want to see this person as ugly as they are, but…there you have it.

No one can say I didn’t try.

Noon prayer rite went well, did my usual walk. I needed to get out and be alone for a bit, think about everything and whether or not I approached things the right way, and what to do for the next time. Honestly, my only takeaway from all of this is to trust myself more on my instincts about people. I try and fail to recall any time I’ve been wrong in that regard.

I’ve decided to stop stressing about the end date. If I’m ready by September, I am. If I’m not ready until Nov, Jan, March, whatever, I don’t care. It’s about the journey and I need to focus on that. If I’m meant to take a week off at some date I’m sure I’ll get some sort of notification or instinct to do so in advance so I can take it off from work.

I feel so much better now in so many respects. My conscience is clear on the drama issue and I feel a lot better about when this rite will be completed. I don’t want to feel rushed nor do I want to drag my heels. It’s about the process. I’ll be done baking when I’m done baking.

Evening rite went well. I am filled with immense gratitude at how different things are now versus before I started this rite in ways I can’t even begin to get into. I will be fine. Everything will be fine.

 

Abramelin, day 129

I woke up at dawn on the dot, so I managed to get enough water in me to think straight in order to do the morning rite. Went well.

I had a very strange, very vivid dream afterward which was entirely on the astral, knew I was dreaming, etc. Some of those purification issues have come up again. Interesting.

Noon rite went well, but was delayed by quite a bit due to a two hour call with my mom. The amount of family drama that has been going on has been escalating to daytime tv drama levels. I am now physically and mentally in pain; I need a hot bath and a glass of wine, but Abramelin. I could do just the hot bath maybe with some kombucha from Whole Foods? Tea? Yes, tea.

My mom reminded me of someone whom I was very good friends with in high school and lost touch with them sometime while I was in college. Found him on LinkedIn, and he’s local to me. Small, weird world I live in.

And today I get an invite to be one of the admins of a page called Pythia, do oracles on behalf of Apollo. This is the second Apollo priestess related thing I’ve been invited to join in the past few weeks that can transform into a Big Deal. Apollo is the god I’ve gone on a divinatory/psychic path for; I’ve always had gifts in that respect and after he came into my life, that path became very much associated with him. Moments after I invite several people to like the page, I got a comment from someone that both touched and overwhelmed me. It may have been the best compliment I’ve received in a very long time.

I also finally got the laundry done.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 119

I had two interesting dreams, one where I was attending some high school somewhere, didn’t have a class schedule but remembered having been there before at least once. There was some bus that had to take you to a different part of the high school and I had a class there. In the second dream, I was with Apollo and Dionysos, but was mostly talking with Apollo. Dionysos was fairly quiet, no idea why. I remember something about Doric Greek was bought up and I had asked the difference between it and Attic Greek, and was told it was like the difference between “Baahston” and “Boston”. Interesting.

This rite needs no strange drugs.

I woke up at dawn but was unable to stay awake; I had gone to bed earlier than usual because I was totally and utterly wiped and falling asleep around 10pm. My stomach is unhappy and I got the very clear message that today is fasting day whether I like it or not, and I get to do it until sunset. This is the part of the rite I struggle with most given I workout. It’s no excuse but I need to just suck it. I shouldn’t have to eat food that I know will make my clean food eating body sick in order to get me to do this, but hey…at least I’ll feel better about working out knowing that I had a calorie surplus the previous day.

Morning rite went well.

This image has popped up in my FB feed in ridiculous frequency and at interesting moments:

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Noon rite went well. Got in a workout, plus lots of tea.

Social media is both good and bad for me right now. It contains…opinions. Lots of opinions. Some are helpful, some are not. In some instances I can be of help, and some I cannot. I’ve heard the advice to avoid ALL social media during the last few months, but my business requires it. And of course I hear I shouldn’t be doing business, but I’m starting a new job next week and need to be able to pay my mortgage.

There are no ideal circumstances. If I waited for such to do this rite, I would never do it. I have to trust in my gods that given common sense and me not being a doofus that the roads will be made open for me and things will work out. I have to try, even if it means sticking it out a little longer than 6 months.

Gods help me, I need to get my shit together.

Finished the fast at sunset with a nice, cleansing ritual shower, the evening rite, then food.

Abramelin, day 85

Morning rite went well. I am trying not to whine but it’s hard.

Last night, I found a recent job posting online from a consulting company I used to work for in 2012, so I applied. Phone conversation taking place today at 10am. My fingers are crossed, as I enjoyed working with them before.

I know I need to do that relaxing and letting go thing. It’s hard when it comes down to basic shit like survival, paying the mortgage, etc. Maybe that whole “My HGA won’t let me starve and Hermes is usually ridiculously good to me in this arena” will hold true, and I will just…breathe. The problem is this: I keep having the door slammed in my face with the same line: “Too many ‘short term’ jobs”. Full time places are panicked I’ll bail, and contracting places look at me and think I’ll prefer a full time role. It’s to the point where I feel like I can’t win. At a place I have a proven track record with, maybe there is hope.

Next Wednesday I leave for a fitness coach conference in Vegas. The idea of my continuing to do the Abramelin under these circumstances is perhaps hilarious, but there is nothing more alchemical than getting up at 5am every day to do a 6:30am workout with trainers like Shaun T and Tony Horton. Also, the timing is lovely; it’ll force me away from the job hunting nonsense to focus on my overall health and well-being. I also have plans to meet up with fellow Hellenic polytheists for a Summer Solstice ritual in honor of Apollo–who just happen to live in Vegas. There are no coincidences in this world. I will do my usual ritual for when I am traveling; it worked out well in the past for both the charity walk and the visit to my parents’.

The friend of mine who had died in a fire at the start of this operation, her boyfriend finally posted to FB with the story of what led up to the fire and after. That was a painful, painful read. As expected, he is fully blaming himself and thinks he is damned. I felt compelled to write him, because I KNOW she would never want him to beat himself up like that.

Meanwhile, I decide to take the day off, and four recruiters contact me each with different positions which are exactly what I’m looking for. Maybe the message is “stop working and it’ll come.” Hm. Maybe I’m trying too hard. Hm. Now I’ve been emailed to help out with a major travel site for fitness blogging. Hm. Hm. Well. Funny how when I just relax and stop working and stressing over shit…hm.

There’s something to this, and that something is going with the Flow. I’ve also referred to it as “riding the Tao”, and it’s that sweet spot in between letting go and working your Will.

I wonder if so much of what I’m learning in my job search is “Wax on, wax off.”

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 17

Take my revolution ikite yukou
genjitsu wa gamushara ni kurushi
jibun no ibasho sonzai kachi wo mitsuketai
kyou made no jibun wo

Take my revolution, and let’s go on living,
As reality approaches frantically.
I want to find my place, the worth of my existence.
From this day, I will take myself and

isagiyoku nugisuteru hadaka ni naru
juu wo mau bara no youni
tatoe futari hanarebanare ni natte mo
watashi wa sekai wo kaeru

Bravely strip down to nothing at all,
Like a rose spinning free.
Even if the two of us are ever separated,
I will change the world.
– Shoujo Kakumei Utena, “Rinbu – revolution” (“Wheel Dance – revolution”)

The anime Revolutionary Girl Utena is essentially Crowley’s “Wake World” on massive amounts of crack. That’s all I’m gonna say. I think I need to rewatch it during my Abramelin working.

Morning rite done. I slept reasonably well given I wasn’t in bed until an hour I haven’t stayed up until in about forever, but I did not wake up in the best of moods. Very conscious of how my emotions can impact my thoughts and actions right now.

Another thought: I need to be mindful in my socializing and not just blindly do it for the sake of doing it. There needs to be discernment. I need to watch for that pendulum. I need to be clear and assertive on my boundaries, but not to the point of shutting everyone out and not lax enough to let people treat me in a way that is not appropriate. I cannot allow for that pendulum swinging to occur; there must be a happy medium and I need to find it. So many people have disrespected those boundaries in horrible ways in the past that I have actively avoided most social situations.

And as today is Apollo day, I asked the question of an oracle: “What would Apollo like to see for me and/or have me do?”

The response was “Juggernaut. God’s astronaut. Proficiency in prophecy, hard fought.”

Wow. Okay then. No pressure.

I keep thinking about that dream I had about Apollo a few nights ago, literally being Kyrene, etc. Little bits and details keep coming back to me. Stuff I initially didn’t remember, stuff I didn’t take note of before…it was a complicated dream. It must be noted that when I first “met” Apollo and began having mystical experiences and dreams involving him, much of my initial reaction kept consisting of, “Am I SURE this is not Dionysos?” Then I met Dionysos and well…I can never confuse the two now, that’s for sure. But the gods are indeed complex. Dionysos has the whole back and forth of life and death in his very nature owing to his double birth. During my ritual to him on Friday, I got the VERY clear indication he wanted me to spend more time with Apollo. Well, all right then…it IS that time of the year, and the Delphic cycle continues.

Evening rite done, performed after my offering rite to Apollo. I think it went well. I’m realigning my focus, or so I’m trying. Old habits resurfaced today and I had to squash them down. Patterns need to be broken, like eggshells for the chick to be born. I keep thinking over and over again that I’m so very glad that I started this operation and grateful for what it has brought me so far, but at the same time I’m getting a very strong intuitive inkling that I have absolutely no idea what I’m in for, and the temperature has yet to be turned up.

Abramelin, day 15

And so I begin week three of the operation.

I woke up from some very intense dreams about Apollo and being in a world where I was literally Kyrene of the tales and legends. I was queen of some foreign land and wife of Apollo. It was a very strange dream and I got dragged into all sorts of crazy battles, politics, and what-have-you. There was also a part where I was instructed to give someone cookies that would have some strange supernatural effect on them. Then there was talk about having cookies in the cookies. There was also one point where I was in bed and there were candles lit, and I was paranoid about them falling over and causing fires, but they were all too small and just went out instead with no harm done. Too much Robert Calasso before bedtime and too high of a temperature, obviously, but seriously…that whole “knowledge and conversation” thing is sometimes a bit more than a mere euphemism. Towards the end of the dream I remembered who I really was, but it was like I was catapulted back into this reality but still dealing with the ramifications of that other world which started bleeding into this one.

Morning rite went well. I’m still waking up with a temp and spacey. It’s not high enough that I’m turning to drugs just yet and with any luck the antibiotics will kick in and I’ll be fine. It’s basically just high enough to give cognitive functions a serious crippling–it’s basically like being drunk or stoned minus the fun of each. Meanwhile my subconscious is being haunted by the spirits of dead friends and deities are traipsing through it as well. I mean, if there’s a deity of seances, astral travel, talking to dead people and what-have-you it’d very obviously be him. I had dreams where I was talking with my friend but I can’t remember much of anything that was said.

I think back to when I started wondering if Hermes was a patron of mine, and I laaaaauuuuuugghhhhhhhhhh

Also, I think I see why this magical working has the potential to drive you nuts. I don’t have a clue as to why an incredibly simple rite has the capacity to open up massive flood gates of psychic and spiritual shit, but there you have it.

I’ve been going back into my old LJ and started reading hers. Interestingly, a few months ago back on Oct this is part of what she wrote:

Death of loved ones is not something that anyone finds easy to cope with. Having outlived 12 of the people I cared about, many of whom were the same age as, or even younger than me, makes it worse. It seems like it’s a message from the Universe warning me “Don’t get too close to anyone, for sooner or later they will be taken away.” Conversely, you start to worry about your own mortality, and how it might affect others – “don’t let them get too close to you, for when you go, they’ll be hurt in the same way you’ve been affected by the death of those you loved”.

It’s terrifying how close to being prophetic that entry of hers was/is, and I’m sure she had no idea her time would come so soon. I also don’t think it’s coincidence that I stumbled across it.

I don’t know how many times it has to be hit over my head to take absolutely no moment nor person for granted, to not count on there being a tomorrow, or to assume due to my supposed youth that everyone will always be around and I have all the time in the world. I do not. I burned my candles at all ends trying to meet so many goals and while those goals still remain dear to me I wonder if I was going about them in the wrong way.

Evening rite done. I think it went okay. I have a lot weighing on my mind, a lot of strange ideas in my head bordering on conspiracy theory, and I am wondering about many things. Going to get more reading done before bedtime. In the meantime, I’m taking the time out to cuddle with kitties and reconnect with some old acquaintances online.

Abramelin, day 7

Here we are, last day in my first week of the Abramelin.

Morning rite went well, I think. I feel like I’ve made some good breakthroughs on a spiritual and psychic level. Not so much on the job front, however. I worked from home today–and am glad for it, as I’ve been fielding all kinds of fires and drama. Stress levels are at an all-time high to the point where I will either Peter from Office Space it and tune out or I will get sick. Predictably my body temperature has climbed two degrees, and this is my barometer: I think either the stress in this job needs to go or I do. Of course, the body temp rising could be due to the massive chakra and energy work I did last night too, but I’m sure that didn’t help.

So yesterday I did the evening operation of the Abramelin closer to bedtime, and despite the original instructions this seems to have a better “flow”. You begin the day and you end the day with the ritual. Seems to make sense to me, so I plan to go with it. I still plan to be mindful and aware of sunset as I am also observing sunset but will have the ritual take place close to bedtime.

I am getting “dragged” more into my religious community and amongst more opportunities for prayer, worship, and additional motivation/support for such. I think that this is an awesome thing. I have been solo and in a vacuum for a VERY long time now as my time spent in the Hellenic pagan community burnt me out, and having some personal events happen to me some years ago didn’t exactly help. It’s nice to be “back” and in tune.

I’ve also been learning that like with my workouts, my spiritual stuff has to be a “do or die” on a daily basis. Amazing that it’s taken me this long to learn this.

Evening rite went well.

Abramelin, day 6

Morning rite done. I had placed a bunch of empty tealights outside the temple room door, and just as I was finishing up my opening prayer I heard a “mrrrrr” then a white paw reached out from under the door to bat one of the empty tealight containers into the room. I couldn’t stop laughing for a good couple of minutes. My cats are supernaturally cute, and it’s really not unlike having furry, four legging toddlers running around. Interesting how the Abramelin stresses not letting animals into the oratory. Honestly, my furbabies have been banned from my temple room ever since they were kittens and managed to break a lamp and decapitate poor Pan.

Among the things I’m reflecting on is having more patience with myself, to see this process through and realize that changes will come over time, that while I am far from perfect this rite is also far from over. I could perceive Hermes at one point during the rite. I feel that he has a message for me.

More thoughts from my reading as posted earlier:

“Still reading through Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony and up to the part of the book where it discusses Dionysos and his various loves and lovers. One thing that strikes me is that it talks about Dionysos almost as if he gets bored easily and jumps from one person to the next. I actually think it’s the exact opposite. It’s not that the god feels nothing or changes easily; I think the god feels everything, all of that, all at once. One new lover doesn’t change feelings for a past one, it gets tacked on. I think the god feels too much, all at once, on a divine level and scale and that is maybe perhaps why he is known as the ‘mad god’.”

Dionysos may be the most misunderstood god in all of the Greek pantheon, and I blame Jung for this. Too many people thanks to Jung pigeonholed Apollo as god of “rationality” and Dionysos is a god of “passion”, not to mention the whole interpretation of Dionysos as “god of parties”. Has anyone even remotely read the Bacchae? I somehow don’t think Pentheus thought he needed to be wearing a party hat during his last moments. >.> In any event…it is my personal spiritual experience that Apollo is the one who has a goofy sense of humor and Dionysos is absurdly deathly serious.

With the help of a friend, I got some much needed cleansing/chakra work done tonight. Still very lightheaded. Went into evening ritual feeling more in the flow of things, however, and a better sense of what direction I need to be moving in.

It’s funny how many people either think I am crazy for doing this rite or just plain brave. I’m sure some are thinking “both”. They are probably much closer to the truth. Others, I’m sure, are wondering why I’m undertaking this under imperfect conditions. I can’t wait for perfect conditions. If I waited for perfect conditions in all things I would accomplish nothing. Like the man in the Fool card, I have to take that first step off that cliff. Fuck perfect conditions.