Abramelin, day 17

Take my revolution ikite yukou
genjitsu wa gamushara ni kurushi
jibun no ibasho sonzai kachi wo mitsuketai
kyou made no jibun wo

Take my revolution, and let’s go on living,
As reality approaches frantically.
I want to find my place, the worth of my existence.
From this day, I will take myself and

isagiyoku nugisuteru hadaka ni naru
juu wo mau bara no youni
tatoe futari hanarebanare ni natte mo
watashi wa sekai wo kaeru

Bravely strip down to nothing at all,
Like a rose spinning free.
Even if the two of us are ever separated,
I will change the world.
– Shoujo Kakumei Utena, “Rinbu – revolution” (“Wheel Dance – revolution”)

The anime Revolutionary Girl Utena is essentially Crowley’s “Wake World” on massive amounts of crack. That’s all I’m gonna say. I think I need to rewatch it during my Abramelin working.

Morning rite done. I slept reasonably well given I wasn’t in bed until an hour I haven’t stayed up until in about forever, but I did not wake up in the best of moods. Very conscious of how my emotions can impact my thoughts and actions right now.

Another thought: I need to be mindful in my socializing and not just blindly do it for the sake of doing it. There needs to be discernment. I need to watch for that pendulum. I need to be clear and assertive on my boundaries, but not to the point of shutting everyone out and not lax enough to let people treat me in a way that is not appropriate. I cannot allow for that pendulum swinging to occur; there must be a happy medium and I need to find it. So many people have disrespected those boundaries in horrible ways in the past that I have actively avoided most social situations.

And as today is Apollo day, I asked the question of an oracle: “What would Apollo like to see for me and/or have me do?”

The response was “Juggernaut. God’s astronaut. Proficiency in prophecy, hard fought.”

Wow. Okay then. No pressure.

I keep thinking about that dream I had about Apollo a few nights ago, literally being Kyrene, etc. Little bits and details keep coming back to me. Stuff I initially didn’t remember, stuff I didn’t take note of before…it was a complicated dream. It must be noted that when I first “met” Apollo and began having mystical experiences and dreams involving him, much of my initial reaction kept consisting of, “Am I SURE this is not Dionysos?” Then I met Dionysos and well…I can never confuse the two now, that’s for sure. But the gods are indeed complex. Dionysos has the whole back and forth of life and death in his very nature owing to his double birth. During my ritual to him on Friday, I got the VERY clear indication he wanted me to spend more time with Apollo. Well, all right then…it IS that time of the year, and the Delphic cycle continues.

Evening rite done, performed after my offering rite to Apollo. I think it went well. I’m realigning my focus, or so I’m trying. Old habits resurfaced today and I had to squash them down. Patterns need to be broken, like eggshells for the chick to be born. I keep thinking over and over again that I’m so very glad that I started this operation and grateful for what it has brought me so far, but at the same time I’m getting a very strong intuitive inkling that I have absolutely no idea what I’m in for, and the temperature has yet to be turned up.

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