Abramelin, day 5

Morning ritual performed. I am trying not to whine or complain when I pray at this point, but I kinda am. I realize it’s too much to expect massive changes in five days, and I am becoming painfully aware of the fact that my life is currently a black hole of stress, consisting of little more than work, sleep, food, and workouts. I’m also aware of the fact that things have to change and I really don’t know where to begin. I guess beyond keeping myself healthy and in my skinny jeans I don’t feel like I’m doing much with my life these days. My job isn’t horrible; I’ve had far worse and I actually LIKE my boss and my coworkers plus have some reasonable perks to working here. But I do feel like I’m lacking any real sense of accomplishment or being appreciated for all the efforts and stress I’ve been going through, nor do I feel like I’m doing what I want to be doing with my career. I also feel that I am being given all of the responsibility of a lead role but none of the actual perks of having one. Adding to my concern, during the past 6-7 months I’ve been here I’ve watched (and am watching) at least 7-8 people get up and leave, and this is not a big company. I realize that it is VERY likely given my past work history and the nature of this operation that I will be somehow forced out of this job before the rite is through or at its culmination, but I also realize that tacking on a job search to this operation will be just as stressful if not more so. I am also in the process of refinancing my mortgage and can’t afford to lose my job or it won’t go through. So I am praying for the best outcome, highest and best and all that. It’s all I can do.

I think that somewhere I hit a magical and spiritual rut and instead of beating my brains out trying to figure out a way to deal with it I more or less just found distractions, and they will not serve me here. This is a no excuses zone. I suspect that much of this operation will be a struggle between being myself and living up to my highest ideals and trying to get the rest of my life to match. And I have no illusions; in order to genuinely get my life to match I need to leave the IT world and go full time for life/wellness coaching, fitness training, and writing and my overhead may be too high for that. The good news is that my coaching business HAS been ridiculously successful so it’s not entirely impossible.

There’s a lot that needs improving on all levels of my life; I just don’t know where to start. One day at a time, I suppose.

Evening ritual went well. Less whining. ;) I’ve spent my commute today to and from work reading Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony, and it’s made me think quite a bit about what I want to see in the world in regards to Hellenism and the gods in general, and how that ties into my own spiritual practice. As I posted to my other FB:

“Rereading Robert Calasso’s Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony. I remember back when I was gung ho about getting us our physical temples back, land, etc…now I’m thinking in broader terms. It’s about making the gods and their worship manifest absolutely everywhere…PERIOD. Beyond land, country borders, and even language. You can destroy a building, but you cannot destroy a god.”

Taking that some steps further, it’s about the unification of mythic reality and personal reality. In short, the magical life made manifest. I need to meditate on this some more.

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